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Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
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As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No, " he says, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible, " said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it? " He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987." "Oh . . . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral." |
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leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?" |
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The following ad in the "Atlanta Journal" is reported to have received thousands of calls. Men are so easy |
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The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch one, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch one, my left testicle weighs 1 pound, my right testicle weighs 1 pound and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank the Lord! I thought you said "Turn around.'" |
| Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing
and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell
in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself,
"He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying
on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since
she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would
be
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably
sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pul! pwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned
the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded
her
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!! |
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A: July 15 Th. Q: What year? A: Every year. ___________________________________ Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ________________________________________ Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? ______________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. _______________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ________________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. _________________________________________ Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? _________________________________________ Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? __________________________________________ Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? __________________________________________ Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8 Th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? ________________________________________ Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? ________________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ________________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? ____________________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ___________________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ___________________________________________ Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. ___________________________________________ Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. __________________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere |
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